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Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
1:04 am
There's something about being the only one awake at night as the snow gleams in the moonlight that makes me feel both incredibly cosy and yet also left with a vague sense of longing and aloneness.

The snow on the tree branches is almost luminescent by the light of the moon and reminds me of some kind of faerie wonderland.  Maybe that is what sets off this longing within me ~ a longing for more than what is.  It is nights like this one while alone with my thoughts that I wonder about the what ifs and the might have beens and the what may be and what is of my life.

For the first time in my life I have a degree of contentment I have never had before.  Being gifted with my daughter and being right with my God gives me a peace I've never really felt before which brings this deep contentment.  Still there is this part of me that longs for more.

A friend of mine wrote of love and what he believes it to be.  I could not begin to write something like that since I've learned that the more I know of love the more I have to learn and what I thought I knew was a mirage or a pale imitation of what love is.  I have no answers on love only questions and half formed ideals.  I have no real idea of what it is when it comes down to it ~ but I know there is this part of my soul that is saving itself for that kind of love that is shared between two people beyond a friendship and beyond romance. It is that part of my soul I think which is responding and resonating so strongly with the beauty of this night.

I look at the "loves" of my past and I know there has to be so much more.  I came very close to it once and it felt so easy and natural.  I want a love that I can feel safe and secure in.  I told a friend once that I wanted it to be like a cosy blanket that I could wrap myself in ~ one in which I don't have to fear what I see or don't see in his eyes when he looks at me and that I don't have to worry about being either not enough or too much.

It is on a night such as this that its very beauty makes me aware of my own aloneness.  I am not sure that lonely is quite the right word any more for what I feel.  It is just an aloneness. 

Until I had SweetPea I had been around people who made me doubt myself so much ~ doubt that I could be liked let alone loved.  I felt that I was not enough and that there must be some essential ingredient missing from me that would make me be like others and loveable.  I also felt that what I did have was too much for any one person to handle and that whatever it is that I am is a combination that was just somehow wrong.  I wish I could say that I've overcome that but I have not. 

The beauty of this night is not conscious of itself or that it is beautiful.  It does not strive to be more or less than what it is ~ it just is.  Maybe one day I will learn to just be what I am without apology or feeling that what I am is somehow wrong.  Until that day I will appreciate the beauty of that which is already there and be alone and maybe, just maybe, when that happens I will be ok with being alone.

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